My Wanderings - 76. Kashmiri Shaivism , a path to self realisation Part - 3. Various School's of thought in Kashmiri Shaivism

The Kula School

The Kula school is one of the oldest and most important streams of Kashmir Shaivism . The term Kula means a family , a clan or a grouping , but actually refers to ultimate reality in its dynamic feminine aspect of 'Shakti 'which manifests itself as the Universe . In contrast , Shiva , who transcends the world is called Akula . Kula can also be taken to mean the totality of cosmic entities with everything even the smallest unit of this manifested reality ..the whole universe , the corporeal  body , the individual person , all objects forming a part of it. Anyone who enters the family therefore, becomes a part of it.
The highest goal for the human individual , according to the Kula system is to achieve the thought free state and experience the bliss of Shiva and Shakti , Kula and Akula. Its main emphasis is on remaining always attuned to totality. If Shiva (Akula) is the 'Absolute  totality' , Kula is a term that can be applied to any emergent manifestation from that totality.
The Kula tradition accords great importance to the human body as an instrument of enlightenment . Equating the body with the whole cosmos , it teaches that all divinities , all the powerful forces reside in it. These divinities within the body can be perceived through mantras. By this Kula method of bodily enlightenment ,the practitioner can master the divinities , the powerful cosmic forces operation within.
Kula worship is characterised sometimes by offering of meat , fish and wine to the deity and indulgence in ritual sex. The ultimate purpose of these group rituals is achievement of full freedom and expansion of consciousness to the maximum possible extent. Overpowering the opposition between pure and impure, sacred and non sacred , body and spirit , enjoyment and liberation, the Kaula practitioner aims at recognising his real nature 'blissful inner consciousness ' rather than pursuing only sensual  pleasure or uncontrolled gratification of senses.
Ananda is it's key concept , which is an experience of many meaning and many levels , the highest of it being
Jagadananda or universal bliss in which all things finally submerge. Bliss is experienced in the union of Shiva and Shakti.

The Spanda School

The Spanda school derives its name from the Spanda Karika which was written in 9th century by Vasugupta or his desciple Kallata Bhatta.
The term Spanda refers to the ever present , spontaneous vibration or pulsation  of universal consciousness and is perceived as a subtle movement within the fundamental core of the Absolute or Shiva. It is a movement outside time and space , but it points to the internal dynamism of the supreme reality itself which gives rise to the emergence of the universe , its maintenance , withdrawal.
The Spandkarika uses the terms unmesha (unfolding) and nimesha (enfolding) to explain this pulsating movement of consciousness from inner to the outer state of reality and back . The universe,  it says, comes into existence when Shiva opens his eyes to see it, and is dissolved when he closes his eyes as it were to see his own nature.
According to Spanda doctrine , by experiencing the vibration of universal consciousness within his own self , the yogi realises his own essential  nature as Shiva . He then learns to recognise his own Spanda energy in the outer world , which flows in all its perceptions and activities. And thus, through his perception of totality of existence in his mind, he enjoys the bliss of undifferentiated awareness free of any thought .
The yogi finds that the Spanda energy , which he is trying to experience has another name, and that name is Shiva's creative freedom ( Savatantraya ).
Shiva manifests himself as the phenomenal world or dissolves it according to his free will. It is all his divine play ' Lila '.

The Pratyabhijna School

The Pratyabhijna or self recognition school represents the highest point in the development of non dual philosophical thought of Kashmir Shaiva tradition. It was Somanand's desciple Utpal deva's path breaking work , the Ishwara Pratyabhijna Karika , which is a profound text that systematically and logically present the Pratyabhijna philosophy . It is from this work that Pratyabhijna school derives its name.
Abinavgupta synthesized the Spanda or vibration and Pratyabhijna or self recognition doctrines to present an authentic version of non-dualist Shaiva thought.
The term Pratyabhijna is generally taken to mean recognition or self recognition . It also emphasises the non duality of Shiva as 'Absolute ' consciousness .
The core concept of Pratyabhijna philosophy is that liberation consists of the ultimate recognition of one's true identity as Shiva though self awareness.
Its importance lies in the fact that it encompasses all the fundamental features common to different schools of non dual Kashmir Shaivism and presents them as a coherent system of philosophy and theology. 

My Wanderings 75. Kashmiri Shaivism , a path to self realisation - 2

                 According   to Kashmiri Shaivism this world is not  a  separate entity from Shiva and Shakti. It is rather a manifestation of both. Therefore , a  person can enjoy  the beauty of this world and celebrate his life . A shavite finds the expression of Shiva and Shakti in nature i.e. mountains , zigzag rivers ,scenic beauties , blue sky and green earth . He realises  himself being a limited or contracted version of Shiva in the system as one and the only reality . Therefore, he enjoys and celebrates his life wholeheartedly . His approach to life is   very optimistic and  he experiences joy and happiness all around him. It is said that Happy person is truely great and to achieve happiness in life is a big accomplishment .
The only difference between Shavite and  an ordinary person is that a shavite realises that he is  part of that  consciousness which  exists everywhere and is known as Shiva . His purpose   of life is clear and well defined , i.e. he can hold his shivahood by self recognition.   He works for it and learns the techniques of it through  knowledge and action . 
In tantric traditions in which Kashmiri Shaivism has its roots, one is allowed to take pleasure in sense objects ,provided one does it with full self awareness , fixing attention on the source of such pleasure. The great Abinavgupta tells us to respect our senses and body as the manifestation of powers of consciousness emitted by Shiva himself. The infinite blissfulness of self finds its expression in the aesthetic pleasure we derive from listening to music or viewing a beautiful painting which appeal to our two basic senses ears and eyes .
             Kashmir Shaivism is life supportive and does not regard the material universe as different from Shiva or self. Shaiva philosophy offers techniques that leads to the expansion of self to merge with the Param Shiva , which can be the ultimate goal of life . It does not differentiate between spiritual life and ordinary life. It is through experience of daily life, says Abinavgupta , that a person can have the ultimate spiritual experience . Actually for Kashmiri Shaiva aspirant Shiva is everywhere and in everything including in human body . So he does not dispute  worldly enjoyment against attainment of liberation or Moksha .
              An important feature of Kashmiri Shaivism is that it does not differentiate between Knowledge and Action . It recognises both as two aspects of Shivas inherent  energy , Shakti . This means  Shiva as absolute consciousness  is both Knower and doer .
Shakti is the inherent dynamic power of consciousness that displays itself at every plane and level of existence Shiva is regarded as the holder of this immense power and is therefore called Shaktimana . Both Shiva and Shakti are the two aspects of one and the same reality . 
                  Unlike the abso!ute of Vedanta , Shiva is not shown as inert or  passive . According to Abinavgupta Shiva is dynamic , vibrating and pulsating light of consciousness which unfolds itself everywhere and makes all the varied forms of universe to appear . The power of Shiva and Shakti have two aspects  i. e. Power of knowledge  and power of action , which are not seperate but complimentary to each other. Besides power to know and power to act there is another power which Shakti possesses is Power to will or Icha Shakti .
                 Kashmiri Shaiva books give an interesting analogy to explain how though Shiva is undefined and with out any form or variety, but all variety comes from him . It is just like a liquid present in peacocks egg. Though this liquid has no colour but it contains in potential form,  all the colours and patterns of peacocks feather .
                A unique feature in Kashmiri Shaivism is that it does not differentiate between one human being and another human being . This philosophy is above caste creed colour and gender of a person . This is available for everyone and welcomes every person to its fold. It considers woman to be more capable than man to achieve spiritual realisation. Great Laleshwari's life  is the glaring example  to support this conviction .

My Wanderings - 74 Kashmiri Shaivim , a path to self realisation

Kashmiri Shaivism is our legacy , a spiritual thought propounded by our ancestors from times immemorial. Therefore , it is our duty to keep it safe by propagating  it's essence to our new generation .
Kashmiri Shaivism is basically a path to self realisation which is the basic pursuit of a person  since ancient  times. Both Kashmiri Shaivism and Vedanta doctrines  believe in philosophy of Monism. Monism is a theory or doctrine that denies the existence of a distinction or duality in a particular sphere such as that between matter and man or God  and the world.
Monotheism is the belief that there is only one God,  who is super and tolerates nobody other than himself . He is separate from other individuals . This doctrine of Monotheism is followed by other religions like Islam, Christianity and judaism and is therefore dualistic in nature.
Both  Kashmiri Shivism as well as  Vedanta believe in one God but with a  distinction. Their approach is non dualistic in nature .They  don't consider God and an individual as a seperate entities but both  inseparable from each other  and the world .
Kashmiri Shaivism goes far beyond the concept of the personal form of Shiva as a yogi living on kailasa with his wife Paravati .It conceives of ultimate reality as pure consciousness vibrating in the universe in everything from Brahma to blade of grass . This non dual reality of consciousness is Shiva . It is the essence of all that exists .
As Laleshwari great Kashmiri mystic has put it simply
Shiv chum thali thali rozan i.e Shiva exists in every  thing .
Kashmiri Shaivism also known as Trika philosphy is the unique vision of the relationship of Man, world and God . It is unique philosophy that celebrates life and  recognises  the world not only as real but also as divine . Shiva is the conception of universal consciousness and his active and cosmic power is Shakti. Shiva and Shakti are inseparable just like fire and heat . Both Shiva and Shakti open out and manifest themselves as the world . Man in this system is a limited version of Shiva or universal consciousness . To realise its role by man as a form of Shiva and mingle itself with Param Shiva is the pursuit of man and ultimate aim of  Kashmiri Shaivism. 
Shivoham and Aham Brahm asme derive the same  meaning . When  man realises I am shiva or I am Brahma , that is the ultimate aim of both Kashmiri Shaivism and Vedanta .But there is one sharp distinction between the two as Vedanta says (Jagat Mithya  or Maya Shivo satyam ) i.e world is false or illusion and God is truth  while as Kashmiri Shaivism says ( Shivo satyam jagat satyam) i.e both God as well as world is truth. Therefore Kashmiri Shaivism does not plead renunciation for God realisation . It says God can be realised as a family man also. He can pursue spirituality while doing all the domestic chores .  Actually it is not God realisation but  self realisation. Vedanta says world is a  mirage  or illusion but Kashmiri Shaivism says world is the manifestation of both  Shiva and Shakti . Therefore , man can enjoy the bliss of world along with his pursuit for self realisation . According to Kashmiri Shaivism Maya or illusion is the power of Shiva to hide his vastness in to limited vision and not a seperate entity as pleads Vedanta . The beauty of Kashmiri Shaivism lies in the fact that it completely underscores the caste colour and gender bias . Its scriptures reveal that ultimate aim of Kashmiri Shaivism can be achieved by any person with out discrimination of caste ,creed or gender .
The Kashmir Shaivism uses the symbol of light to explain its conception of the nature of consciousness . It describes the ultimate reality or Shiva as prakasha  or light of universal  consciousness and Vimarsha or reflective awareness of that self luminous light as Shakti . It is Vimarsha or the power of consciousness to know itself which makes the light of self consciousness  conscious of itself .
It is said that vasugupta who flourished between seventh and eighth century BC in a dream is asked by lord Shiva to visit a place near Harwan and touch a rock which will turn upside down and all important shivsutras will be found inscribed on it . Vasugupta did as advised and Shivsutras and Kashmiri Shaivism was revealed to world. Vasugupta is followed by Batta kalata, utpaldeva , Abinav Gupta, kshem raja etc
Then with the advent of Islam and persecution of hindus thereafter   this philosophy was practised secretly in Kashmir . Soon after the arrival of Sikhs in 1819 AC Hindus breathed a sigh of relief and this philosophy came into prominence due to efforts of
Sahib Kaul and swami Mana Kak Monga .
Then desciple of Swami Mana Kak  swami Ram jee born in 1850 , a great  saint took upon the task of teaching this philosphy to his desciples Swami Mehtab Kak, swami Vidyadhar jee and swami Govind Koul
The desciple of Swami Mehtab Kak was famous Ishwar swaroop  Swami Laxman ji  who entered Mahasamadhi  only few decades ago .
Efforts to teach this philosophy to younger generation  should continue so that this legacy  of Kashmiri Pandits is  not  lost in the realms of archives .

My Wanderings - 73. My Humble Tribute to my Sister

A  Sister is a gift to the heart , a  friend to the spirit, a  golden thread to the meaning of life .   Sister, you were  like my angel ,with a love that always glows . You were one of the greatest gifts my heart will ever know.
We would always fight , but we would always make up  as well. That is what siblings do . We agreed,  we  pointed  out each others frailties , mistakes and bad judgements  , we flashed  the insecurities we have had since long , and then we came back together untill the next time .
Our hearts had grown closer with the passing of time.  Through the ups and downs of life , we had come  closer to understand what it means to have each other. Sometimes we talked often ..Sometimes not . It did  not seem to matter,  the feelings of closeness remain  with me because I knew  you were always  there . I love you sister what a blessing it was to call you mine .
It was really a great tregedy that befell on  our family recently  because of the passing away  of our eldest sister Bahen ji,  a name very close to our heart and with which we all siblings addressed  her . She was very beautiful ,  graceful and elegant with an aura of purity hovering  around her personality  . She was epitome of  love, benevolence and sacrifice . She was spiritual to the core of her heart .   She had inherited the spiritual legacy  from her  illustrious father  Dr.Sham Lal Kaul, who was also a saintly and pious person . She was an ardent devotee of ShriKrisna and desciple of  Ishwar Saroop Swami Laxman ji of Ishbar . She was blessed with a heart of gold . She helped one and all, with out discrimination,  who so ever came for her help. She was selfless and dedicated person . She was most hospitable and understanding .
She was the personification of 13 and 14 shaloka ,  Chapter 12th of Srimath Bhagwath Gita , where Lord Krishna says
....One who is not envious but is a kind friend to all entities,  who does not think himself a proprieter and is free from false ego , who is equal in both happiness and distress , who is tolerant ,always satisfied ,self controlled and engaged in devotional service with determination , his mind and intelligence fixed on me....Such a devotee of mine is very dear to me .
She was lovely daughter , loving sister , dedicated wife and affectionate mother .
Her considerate  Husband was well aware of her spiritual and selfless qualities, who always co-operated her in such pursuits.
She was also  a hard taskmaster for her children and younger siblings but she loved all  of them immensely .   Her love was not limited to her family members only but she loved all the creatures of this universe whosoever came into her contact .
Whenever I had to encounter hard times in my life  , my sister  had been there for me through everything  and there is nobody that knew me better than her.
If you have a brother or sister , tell them you love them every day , which  is the most beautiful thing and that   we sometimes acknowledge late  . But now I can feel her presence all over in nature . I can see her in celestial bodies . I can feel her presence in the chirping of birds , rustling of leaves , howling of wind and flash of lightening . I can smell her in the early  spring flower buds  , her caresing in the first drizzle of monsoon , her warmth in the mild sun rays of autumn. She is moving all along with me so that I may not get lost in my Wanderings .
A million words would not bring you back my sister  , I know because I have tried , neither would a million tears, I know I have shed.

My Wanderings - 72. Short Story No. - 52 When the water in Jehlum turned murky

Those were the days of love, faith and compassion,  when a fair mix of Shiva and Sufi culture  was flourishing in Kashmir . There was  much communal  harmony and tolerance of different faiths  prevalent allover .  The  Jehadi cult  had not cast  its vicious  spell  over the sociocultural fabric of Kashmir and selfi faith had not spread its monstrous tentacles there .
In  those days a Kashmiri pandit widow lived in downtown area of Srinagar  with her two children, being  a son and a daughter, in much dilapidated  tiny house  having a  roof made of birch bark and earthen covering with a lush green vegetation  growing allover.  The house was   surrounded by a   small compound , the door of which opened  in the main   street through a long and narrow muddy lane on  one side . On the  other side of  house  there were  big mansions, built in luxurious style , which belonged  to Muslim carpet and tapestry  traders and manufacturers surrounding the area . But the doors of one of  these mansions also opened through the same narrow and muddy path .
The husband of the  Pandit widow, usually addressed as Babhi by her children and neighbours,  had died much earlier,  when the children were very young .
After the death of her husband, Babhi had suffered so   much in rearing her children in utter poverty and absolute desperation . She used to spin yarn on her old spinning wheel  and sell  the same to  weavers on  paltry sums of money,  which  helped in family  sustenance  and education of her children .
Bhabi was very pious and religious woman . She would spent her leisure time in spiritual pursuits . She was very humble , helpful and friendly with her neighbourly  women, who were mostly Muslim. She grew up her  children in much discipline   and never compromised with  their education . Only after passing Matriculation her son Shankar   started giving tuitions and helped in contributing towards family expenses.
Shankar was very good in studies and passed graduation with flying colours . In due course of time Shankar got a good job in central  Govt. and family  once again had a glimpse of prosperity . It all started with repairing of their roof which profusely leaked during rainy seasons. They had to keep many  utensils on upper story floor for collecting rain  water .
In the meantime  daughter of the family  Laxmi completed her education and both her mother and elder brother Shankar appeared to be concerned about her marriage . They arranged for the dowry of Laxmi with whatever little savings they could afford and started looking out for a suitable match . After a long  perseverance and matching of Horoscopes​ they were  able to find a match for Laxmi . The name of Boy was Autar Krishen, who was  working in some Govt.Deptt. and belonged to a middle class family.
It was only after passage of some time the date of marriage arrived . Shankar had arranged for rented  marquee tent   in his small compound and was furnishing the same along with his friends . They had made small paper buntings and coloured the saw dust  for decorating the lane  .  While Shankar was worried about the drizzle which was falling   scarcely on the  tent in the midnight , he heard loud  sound of hammering of nails in the narrow  lane from which Barat had to enter . He and his friends came out in the lane to witness an amazing scene . Many labourers  were decorating the lane with fresh tapestry bundles known as crewl in Kashmir under the supervision of  Mohd. Ibrahim,  one of their neighbours . He had already decorated  two big halls of his mansion with fresh Kashmiri carpets and walnut wood furniture . The mud of the path was concealed by laying  red coloured coir matting on it.  Everything was looking fit and fine . On seeing Shankar , Mohd Ibrahim told him that You need not to worry about expected rain tomarrow morning , I have made the full arrangements to receive the  Barat in my house . Shankar could not venture to make any comment as he had hardly talked with Mohd.Ibrahim through out his life. Mohd. Ibrahim , their  neighbour was a carpet manufacturer and trader having an authoritative and resourceful  disposition .But he was very introvert and never indulged in loose talking . Mostly  all  respected him and young people hardly ventured to talk to him.
Next day in the morning Barat arrived and was received with much fanfare and gaiety  . Barat was made to sit in the decorated  halls of Mohd. Ibrahim despite of pleasant climate outside.
Mohd. Ibrahim himself looked after all the arrangements . The lunch was served to the guests,  which was being prepared by the chefs at Shanker's house. The marriage ceremony was also solemnised  there in a room already arranged for that.
At the time of parting farewell to the bride , Mohd. Ibrahim again  appeared in the scene and addressed with due honour  to the father of bridegroom
pointing towards bride,
" Pandit sahab,  please never think she is an orphan.  She is just like my own daughter . If you have any problems or complaints regarding the girl or marriage, pl don't tell anything to her mother or brother. Call me or come directly to me personally, i will look after your complaints myself.
Bridegroom's father was a very gentle person . He only thanked Ibrahim  for his hospitality and assured him of looking after the bride properly at her in-laws house.
Now after the lapse of twenty years i.e.in year nineteen ninety  much of the water had  flown over the River  Jehlum and most of it had become murkier.  The    traditional  values  cherished by the people of Kashmir through out centuries  were  vanishing in to thin year by the appearance of gun culture sponsored by neighbouring country Pakistan .
Mohd  Ibrahim and Bhabi were lucky enough not to have  witnessed  the change as they already bade farewell to this mortal world . Both Shankar and Laxmi had grown up children now . Laxmi 's husband Autar Krishen was  promoted as Asstt. Director in his Deptt.
A nephew of Mohd.Ibrahim,  Salim had become a notorious terrorist .
Once Salim  along with his accomplices, carrying a gun  entered the  office  of Autar Krishen and killed him on point blank range for being  a Hindu only.  He left   him   in a  pool of blood and perhaps with   the soul of Mohd.Ibrahim  bruised ,  unaware of latters  contribution in the marriage of Autar Krishen and Laxmi .

My Wanderings 71. Short Story No. 51. A Sequel of Confession of Aparna's Mother

Before proceeding further it is worthwhile here to mention   about the two friends of Aparna, within  whom she  choose    her prospective bridegroom . They were Ajay and Vimal . Ajay was her childhood buddy and her neighbour . She always felt at ease with Ajay  and they had  family relations as well. Ajay was a happy go lucky type  young man , with ordinary  disposition and family background . On the other hand Vimal was  extremely handsome and a rich man . He  was running his  own business and had met Aparna two years back at friends party . Aparna had  a crush over Vimal for his dashing personality and sober ettiquates .
While choosing between  the two she felt the personality of Vimal more dominating  and charismatic .
She could find all the qualities of good husband like love, commitment ,trust ,attention ,good communication including listening , partnership,  tolerance , patience ,honesty,  generosity and ability to   compromise in Vimal. Therefore , she chose Vimal as  her prospective husband .
Aparna confided to her parents about her decision  and  marriage of   Aparna was solemnized  with   much fervour  and gaiety . This left  the life of Ajay much shattered as he was also in love with Aparna .
On the other hand Aparna enjoyed her married life in the company of her husband Vimal nicely . They enjoyed their honey moon at Switzerland . Vimal purchased expensive car for Aparna and took her to big hotels for eating purposes . They visited malls and enjoyed themselves while purchasing expensive clothes and gifts . After one year of their marriage  Aparna delivered a baby girl which brought more joy in their life .
Only after few years of marriage , cracks started  appearing in their relation .It all started on filmsy grounds but crossed greater heights within a shortest   period of time as the same remained  unattended . 
One night Aparna was dead tired and she was fast asleep . In the  midnight her daughter awoke and started crying .  Vimal got disturbed by the cries  of Baby and he too awoke . He started cursing his wife as he thought it was the duty of his  wife  to attend to  the child . He had to attend a business meeting early in the morning next day  . How can he attend his business tomarrow  , if  he can not sleep properly ?
He conceived that  his wife was trying to skip her duty  deliberately and feigning sleep . He awoke Aparna and reprimanded her for not looking after the baby properly as he was getting disturbed .
' But you could  also have  looked after the baby . You know i was dead tired yesterday ,"  replied Aparna
" It is your duty , and you should not escape it."
"It is the duty of both and  I am not the exception "
They had a good quarrel  over baby  for the whole night and this  small incident spread its tentacles to destroy their happy married life .
After this incident Vimal tried to compel Aparna to leave her job and attend her family  chores properly .  As already mentioned  Aparna was a career conscience woman , she could not reconcile with the idea of her husband . Eventually there was a divorce between the two and Aparna had to leave her husband's house and join her parents along with her newly born daughter .
After few years of divorce , Aparna was promoted to a senior position  and she purchased her own house with her savings and Bank loan .  Now she started living in her own house along with her daughter and decided not to marry again. But her mother never reconciled with her idea and kept on pestering her for remarriage . Once Aparna's mother suggested her about Ajay, who  was still unmarried .
" But mother How can I marry Ajay , i have already been deceived by  the  man,  whom I once felt indispensable  for me as per  cue i took from your experiences ."
"You see Aparna! no body learns from others experiences  .  One learns from his own experiences only . Moreover, Vimal was not a bad guy either . It was his inbox approach to the problem at the material time that lead   you to the trouble . Had he applied out of box approach to the problem that night by not waking you , but  just helped the child again to sleep. There  would have not been any problem at all . It was your impatience and impertinence also that added fuel to the fire."
"But I could not help that Mom  , he was too conceited , " added Aparna .
"You see  now Ajay has not married yet and still loves you . He is your childhood buddy . You know each other thoroughly well  rather you have grown up together . What is wrong in considering him for marriage ?"
" But give me some time Mom , it is very difficult  decision for me "
"Happy is the person who finds a true friend and far  happier is he who finds that friend in his spouce . It is not lack of love but lack of friendship that is the cause of unhappy marriages," ! exclaimed Aparna's Mother.
After  some time Aprana decided  to marry Ajay and later  also happily agreed to the proposal .
Epilogue
After passage of twenty years Aprana is happily married to Ajay and she is now CEO of her company . Ajay is also working on very senior position  . They are  proud parents of a Daughter and a Son . Aparna 's mother is very old and she is living with her  daughter  after the death of Aparna's father . Aparna's daughter  Ahana is  grown up and is living with her  Boy friend and Aprana is now much concerned about her marriage with him.

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My Wanderings - 70. Short Story No. - 50 Confession of Aprana's Mother

Aparna was very happy and radiant with joy as she  got a dream job in a multinational company with a very  good prospectus and high package. She had already postponed all her marriage proposals so far , as she    wanted  first to settle  properly in life . Now she was looking for a person ideally suited to herself as a close friend or romantic life  partner .  She was already in  friendship  with  two  boys , whom she liked  so  much.They were also loving her to the hilt.  In her opinion both were equally  nice guys and worth to be considered for prospective grooms for her. But she was confused to make a right choice between the two  for her  life partner .  She thought it better to  consult her mother regarding this.
'Have you ever been in love with two men at once , Mother ?'
Her mother took a pause . A distant look came in to her eyes , as she went in search of a time that was almost  lost.
'Yes , I have .'
Aparna stared at her with amazement .
'Your father was my first and greatest love ',she said and I am still happy with him . When I was of your age my friends and I believed that love was the only reason for living . If you failed to find someone there then you can not realise your dreams .After i met your father , I realised my search was over . Then we got married and you were born. Suddenly the whole world fitted in my small  home . But with the passage of time your father remained busy with his work and  I started feeling  forlorn . Strange worries of unknown origin started creeping   in   my mind . I could not reconcile my self with the daily schedule of  life,  which sometimes appeared to me meaningless . Perhaps my role  in this universe was being overlooked and I was taken for granted .
But when I entered  middle age, I met a strange man through social media. He was an Artist . We exchanged our  views on every subject  with  each other . He made me feel very important to the world  . All my problems I had been grappling with, disappeared . I felt really useful and started telling him everything . I felt necessary and that is the best feeling a human being can have . I felt  the time passed with him quickly and I sensed he also felt the same. Only once in my life I met this man personally . I could see in his eyes  that he desired me  , and I also felt the same. Once he tried to express his feelings for me but I  forbade him from doing so by saying that feelings should be within and no need to say anything . Maturity is in knowing and accepting with grace . Trust is very important .  Sometimes We  both  were behaving   like middle aged  adolescents . But age is no criterion in such things and love is not the  monopoly of adolescents  only , I believe .   This  heart is a mysterious thing which can  betray  its  holder at any stage of life  . I suddenly lost contact with him one day and every thing passed off peacefully with the passage of time .  I personally believe  that he made a  graceful exit from my life to prevent me from any embarrassment .
But tell me Mother , it never occured to you  that you were going against the norms , I mean being a married  woman .
To tell you the fact  Dear Aparna , I never left loving your father for a single day . But breaking a norm sometimes , makes your life more  thrilling  as  some  poet has said that you  are dying slowly if you don't follow a dream , if you don't allow yourself to evade a sensible advice at least once in your life time.
Yes mother these  lines are  from the poem of   Brazilian poetess Martha  , who won Nobel Prize ,responded Aprana .
The mother's confession however,  confused Aprana  further and she could not derive much relevance from  it  with her own problem . 
Her mother sensed what was cropping up in the mind of Aprana . She said," I can only guide you by my experiences in such matters of  sensibility.  I can't hold your hand  and show you the right choice . You have to make the right  choice yourself by using your own  impulses and  faculties . You must think of a person who is not someone you can walk away from  that so easily. It must be someone you can not imagine being with out ,a person you believe sticking with or fighting for.
After listening to her mother's advice and experiences , Aprana took  the cue  from it and made the decision, which appeared right to her at the moment.